Over-Apologizing: How to Break the Cycle

For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This approach will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.